Everything starts where it ends

I always become so impeded by the end of the month when it comes time to deliver that final thought. Pretty soon March 2010 will come to a close, forever. It will soon be April 2010, and then April 2010 will be gone forever, too. It may be bizarre to think of time in this way, but I've been thinking of a lot of things in this light, lately. Like, wondering if this will be my last Easter with some of my beloved family members; if I will ever see the marsh the way I did last week; if one instant can change absolutely everything, forever. Forever.

I am leaving, once again, in a couple months and I couldn't be happier. Sometimes, my environment here feels so poisoned. I can't ever remember it feeling any different, and am not sure if it ever will. It's a difficult thought to contemplate, but sometimes I wonder if my constant need to escape this place is the very reason why I ever sought solace in the people and places I have come in contact with in the past 5 years. Was it just my imagination that kept me anchored to anything at all?

Sometimes it takes some sort of "aha!" moment to nullify such a catastrophic thought. Or maybe it takes a very special 30 minutes in a booth with an aunt that you haven't had a real conversation with in over a year. Like a reflection from an organic looking-glass. Perhaps, you too, have said something out loud and it truly solidified the thought into existence?

If what I really do live in is some sort of "fairy-tale", then so are the lives of everyone else. Constantly seeking their prince, the ship on the far horizon, their Moby Dick. But what I have discovered is that I am not a dreamer. I am a doer. And everything I have truly wanted for myself these past 5 years, I have had. It's a sobering thing to know about one's self; reassuring; culminating. And it turns words like 'forever' into liquid--an antidote--that mends our thoughts and pushes us forward. Forever is not the final thought. It is not the end. It is the masked continuity that loyally sends us towards the directions we seek.


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