It Ends Tonight


I am having a difficult day today... and it's still fairly early in the day. I can't explain it. I came home from spinning class this morning and flung my things across the room. I haven't felt this way in a really long while--just really, really frustrated; really unhappy, and I want things to be different. I have done absolutely everything possible to keep my mind occupied. Everything I am at least capable of doing at this point, besides moving back home... which is soon, and I still know it won't make much difference, but it's at least a change I need.

I struggle sometimes (all the time), when it comes to talking about how I feel. I think my biggest obstacle is constantly being scared of consequence. I could never say that I am not myself--I am always true, but there are times where I know I just need to separate myself. These days I know that whatever I have to say or whatever it is that I am feeling, won't make any difference to anything at all; that it is mine to bear. I am too compassionate, and in this compassion, I can sometimes be emotionally irrational. I beat myself up all the time about making the wrong choices and saying the wrong things. I feel like I always have to be strong and sacrifice weakness for some unknown goal I constantly set upon myself. I am guilty of constantly having to keep moving. Nothing is ever enough, and I always feel like I need to get going. I think I just need to finally admit some of these things out loud, because it's been dragging me down lately.

If I can be honored for anything today, I hope it's for being honest. Sometimes, I don't think I can be happy, or that I don't know how.

I want to be a writer. I've had writers block lately, but have this deep desire to really write something complete. Nothing ever really completes anything really, but for that moment I just wanted to feel accomplished and cleansed. Like Chapter 1 of a fresh manuscript (I'd probably stop there). I want to write a book--a fictional story with heart. I need to be more cultured. The idea and spirit are currently spinning around; it'll come. I want to write columns for something, but I lack inspiration and insight (maybe this summer for the newspaper if I travel, my mom said. I'm not ready to jump ahead of myself just yet). I want to carry my camera with me everywhere, but I always forget to grab it. I want to take pictures for National Geographic. I want to lay in the grass and not think of anything at all. I want to paint. So many images in my mind, but I have no purpose, no initiative, no vision to paint for. Just like I have no one to write for either... or cry to, or run with, or set goals with. I've accomplished everything I have ever set my heart to, and it's not enough. I just needed that positively-challenging (old) soul to offset the balance and keep me guessing. I need that spontaneity and competition. I need to share, I need to learn, I need to reflect. I want to go somewhere, but not alone. I want to be on a plane right now 'bruised,' or sitting on a fallen tree over the water; on top a mountain, or overlooking the sparkling ocean. Where is my contentment? It has all been so temporary.

I need out. I know it's my responsibility to make things right... but what do you do when you can't? When nothing is good enough or lasting? What do you do then? I don't have the resources to keep going... or the heart.

Please, say anything... anything else.

And please, forgive me.


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