Valentines Day

​I met a man on Valentine’s Day 2022, and I was completely swept away.

Even now, I can’t quite explain why. We spent the next four and a half years together in one way or another, yet somehow never really came to know each other deeply. I tried my damndest. In place of that closeness came stories I believed, promises I held onto, and tremendous compassion for the life he had lived.

Eventually, I began to understand that he was caught in a loop—one shaped by old wounds, anger, addiction, and a world that had moved on around him. And slowly, I discovered that the person I thought I knew was only one version of him. There were affairs and lies, yes, but the deception ran deeper than infidelity. Different people knew different versions of him, and so much of his life seemed carefully compartmentalized. I was left with the painful realization that I had spent years trying desperately to know someone who had spent those same years making sure no one ever fully could.

When I finally understood what addiction meant for him, and for us, my compassion only grew. So did my sense of responsibility for him. I thought that if I could understand enough, forgive enough, love enough, or somehow show him another way, maybe something would change.

Until I realized that I had become part of the loop, too.

I had given so much of myself trying to love someone toward a better life, believing that if I could just shine enough light on the path, he might see what I could see for him. Instead, I had slowly given away pieces of my own light while becoming another way for him to cope without having to meaningfully change.

That realization still makes me terribly sad.

There is nothing noble about sacrificing yourself to save another person. Love can support someone. It can encourage them, believe in them, and walk beside them. But it cannot do their healing for them. And compassion without boundaries can eventually become another way of abandoning yourself.

I may never be able to reconcile all of what was real and what wasn’t. But I know this was real: I loved him. I cared deeply. And I learned—much later than I wish I had—that loving someone does not require losing yourself.

I still believe there is a beautiful world waiting for people who have forgotten how to see it. I still want to remind people of what is possible. I just know now that I don’t have to give away my own light to help someone find theirs.

All my love to those facing addiction, and to the people who love them. There is a better life out there. But no one else can choose it for you. You have to believe you deserve to live it. 💛